Where I Am and What I Want

I've been in a bad place this week. I wasn't upset about losing in court, I didn't even really consider it losing for my part, but I was deeply hurt by the character assassination and haunted by the idea that I could have defended myself but the prosecution wouldn't let me.

I've been really sad.

So people have been telling me that I need to start thinking more positively and concentrating on what I want and trying to get it, like moving out of this county for example.

The hard part is that THAT'S NOT what I want. I'm happy in my little overflowing house; I love every inch of it because Sean and I have poured so much work and sweat into rescuing this house from decay. I love my neighborhood. Unlike some other areas people here tend to know each other and look out for each other, with some obvious exceptions of course. I love the the children beg to come visit my rabbits and the little girl who lives diagonally from me loves animals and adopted her Bichon dog from a rescue. I love that my neighbors who don't even like cats or dogs helped me to look for both Liam when some guests of ours accidentally let him out and Kyra when she escaped our fence. I love that people here feed the ferals, even if they don't always know or understand the dynamics of feral colonies. I love that when I walk my dogs past the elementary school the people working there call out "you have beautiful dogs, what kind are they?" and I answer "shelter mutts" and they nod and understand. Even though I don't go, I kind of like that my neighbors from Ghana invited me to their prayer meetings, because that's how friendly and open people often are here. I like that when I was assaulted, even though most people didn't stop, one couple did and they stayed with me until they knew I was ok. I'm sure they were going somewhere, maybe they got there late, but they were so kind anyway.

I don't want to move away, I just want to feel safe here. I don't hate this area. I see so much good in this hectic mixing of cultures, races, and classes. I love that it forces us to be more accepting of each other and more understanding. I don't like that when something bad happens people (my own family even) says "What did you expect living where you do?"

I don't want to punish anyone. I remain unconvinced that punishment helps anything. But I want to feel safe. I don't feel safe when I've called the police and they don't help me. I don't feel safe when the defense wins cases by falsely smearing the victim, and we could have refuted those claims but we were totally unprepared for it. I don't like that the authorities have more or less decided that drug dealers rule this area and don't respond to calls reporting drug selling out in the open. Sure they show up when someone gets shot, but I have to imagine there would be fewer shootings if they took other crime seriously, since there is likely much overlap between shooters and people involved in other criminal activity.

I don't want big heaps of money, I want enough to get by, to put food on the table and keep helping animals. I don't want to spend most of my money on therapy for things that weren't my fault. I also don't like that at the moment I can't even afford therapy, so instead I bleed out all my thoughts on this blog.

I don't like feeling like the worst in people is what gets rewarded.