No Guarantees

Recently a distressing situation came to my attention involving someone I used to know quite well but had fallen out of touch with. I hope it’s ok to blog about this, but since she’s put her petition online and could certainly use some help, I thought I’d spread the word.

The courts recently terminated Nancy’s parental rights and put her child up for adoption even though her child was never in serious danger and she has been cleared of all neglect charges (which were trumped up in the first place).

The situation simply is that after birth Nancy’s baby lost a small amount of weight. This is actually a fairly common problem with newborns, but does need to be addressed. Nancy, like any good parent, was concerned and sought medical help, after the initial treatment didn’t work, she checked her baby into the hospital. Despite the prompt treatment and the baby’s immediate improvement in the hospital social workers removed the baby from Nancy’s home and placed her in foster care.

Since then the case has dragged out for over two years. As I said, Nancy and her now husband (not the baby’s genetic father, but nonetheless a devoted and caring father) were cleared of any wrong doing in the case.

How could this happen? Apparently it has to do with the courts and the social workers concentrating on Nancy’s diagnosis with Pervasive Developmental Disorder. This diagnosis is sort of a catch-all diagnosis for people who fall on “the autism spectrum” without a diagnosis of a more defined disorder like autism or Asperger’s syndrome.

This is troubling to me for a number of reasons. The first is because this is sort of a catch-all diagnosis it can apply to people who are significantly impaired in daily functioning all the way to people who, for lack of a better way to explain it, are essentially normal, independent, capable, but have a few quirks. The second reason this troubles me is that I really feel you can probably find a doctor who could diagnose any ill-defined syndrome in anyone, but I’m not sure what that really proves.

One gross generalization that people sometimes make about individuals with autism spectrum disorders is that people with these disorders have an impaired ability to feel empathy. They’ll say this is a concern when it comes to parenting, since they might be less responsive to the child’s needs. But knowing Nancy it’s hard for me to think of a person who expresses more empathy and compassion. So that generalization doesn’t apply to her at all.

As I said, knowing Nancy and knowing the kindness she brings to every aspect of her life, I can’t imagine why she would be considered unfit to be a parent. I can say with confidence that not only would she never hurt anyone, much less a child, I also don’t think she’d ever yell at a child or say unkind words. She’s just a very gentle and loving person. She is also not significantly impaired in any way, she holds a responsible job, lived independently for years before getting married, is a tireless activist for social justice, and has friends and family standing by to help and support her. It’s worth noting as well that her husband and her mother are both dedicated to helping active roles with Nancy’s daughter, and neither of them have any disabilities. We aren’t talking about someone who is helpless, or a shut in, or isolated with no support system.

Still Child Protective Services saw fit to take her child away and give her to another family.

I’m sure we’ve all known parents with disabilities who made excellent parents. The mother of a friend of mine when I was a child had lost her leg in a car accident, but that never stopped her from being a loving, involved mother. A roommate’s mother had a debilitating disease that left her in a wheel chair and slowly robbed her of her speech, and yet with support from other family members she was still a very good mother. There is a whole rainbow of parents out there and many of them might have stumbling blocks in their lives, but it doesn’t stop them from raising their children.

I guess I’m also confused because I see so many cases on the news about parents who are violently physically abusive and yet their kids keep getting sent back, taken away again, sent back again in some kind of ludicrous revolving door approach that gives them so many chances.

There are some problems I think really do interfere with parenting. Active substance abuse problems strike me as one that’s really damaging because not only are children who watch their parents abusing drugs and alcohol more likely to have these problems themselves, but also parents desperate to feed their addictions don’t always take great care of their kids and might even endanger them. In people that already have violent habits, drugs and alcohol make them more likely to lash out physically.

But in Nancy’s case I feel like it’s not really about active danger, it’s more an effort on the part of the social workers to pick and choose this picture perfect family. When we talk in theoreticals it’s easy to say that every child ought to have perfect parents. Then we get back into the real world and understand that there’s no such thing as perfect parents. Might life sometimes be hard for a child with a disabled parent, no matter what type of disability? Of course that’s a possibility. On the other hand a parent who has learned to work with or around her disability to lead a full and active life could be an inspiration to her child.

And then there’s the fact that there are no guarantees in life. We could pick the best parents we could find. We could make sure they’re not even slightly odd, but are attractive, normal in every way, physically fit, educated, whatever. But that can always change at any time. Someone could get sick or get in an accident. The parents could split up and drag the child through a bitter divorce. We just don’t know the future and we can’t always make everything perfect. So long as there is not active harm being done to the child, perhaps it’s good for them to see people deal with real problems and work through them, or learn that that it’s ok for people to look or act or speak a little differently from others and that’s nothing to be afraid of.

It’s really sad to see families unnecessarily ripped apart and hearts and homes broken in this way. If you agree you can sign Nancy’s petition here:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/petition/978924093

And read more about her story here:
http://ourstory.com/story.html?v=118329